Morning Mourning

Eyes open… Then shut right away… The yellow sun is up and shining beautiful and bright through broken clouds and my broken blinds… I yawned… My breath stinks… My teeth yellowed from not brushing… Haven't had toothpaste for awhile… I force my eyes open and to adjust… I look at the time… I have 10 minutes till the bus arrives… I grab my socks… The ones I have worn for days… They are turning yellow… I put my jeans on… The ones with holes in the pockets… No problem… I just wear sweats under them… The sweats also keep the pants from falling because the jeans are too big… I stole them from my uncle… I put on an old white shirt… The sweat stains under the arm pits are yellow too… I can smell myself as I lean down to put on my beat up Payless shoes… I took a shower the night before but I still smell like armpits, trash and mold… I walk to the bus stop and I see a handful of people… They don't judge me… Because some are in the same position and the others know what it is like to be in that position…

When we arrive at school… My first class is Literature… This is my hell… The push that leads me to becoming a high school drop out… The girl that sits next to me Shannon… I will never forget that name… As I lay my head on my desk to pretend to be asleep… She sees through my deception and says “I know you are not asleep.” She pauses waiting for an answer… I don't give her one… So she continues “What are you wearing? Why do you wear the same thing everyday”... I don't answer… She says “Why are you here? If no one wants you here then why do you even show up?”... I just grind my teeth and try to ignore her… The teacher notices my head down and decides to add to my hell… “Cash! Since you feel like sleeping then what did the author mean by it?”... I lift my head and the class looks to me… “I have no idea”... The class laughs with me and at me… I watch the clock anxious to get past this first level of my hell…

The bell rings and as I walk the hall to my next class… A pretty girl walks towards me as she heads to her class… I smile but then remember my yellow teeth… I quickly close my mouth… I have no chance anyways… She is dating one of the cool kids… You know the kids with the fresh haircuts… The kids that are happy or social experts or both… Unfortunately for me… I am none of those… I have no idea how to be cool… Just confusion… I am just trapped in the confusion of the whole social atmosphere… It is just more proof I shouldn’t be in school…

The rest of my classes move by… And at the end of the day I am back on the bus headed home… I was in such a rush to get out of school that I forgot what I go home to… I was hanging onto hope… Hope of a safe place… A home… And really I was hanging onto emptiness… I get off the bus… And sit on the bench outside my apartment till it's dark… Then I go inside eat the apple I kept from lunch and try to fall asleep…

I would try so hard to force myself to dream… To control my dreams… To dream of money, and taco bell, and Nike shoes, and fresh white tee shirts, and a new Honda civic, and a girl friend, and a paycheck… But my dreams were all too real… I dreamt as I lived… And in the morning I woke up mourning…